anjhest

jesus i was a mess wasn't i? those feelings are so foreign to me now. a delicious cocktail of therapy and drugs whipped me back into shape. i weigh even more now than i did when i posted all that self-loathing shit, but i feel so much better about myself now. i feel like things are good. i'm not always in control but that's okay. it's not a requirement to living.

i binge or shop. they seem to be mutually exclusive. if i'm binging, i won't shop. feel too fat to go out of the house. if i'm not binging, i have to shop to keep myself from binging.

i'm a fucking mess. i feel like there are things in my life that make it look as though i'm in control of things and, in general, "have it together." but i don't. i don't fucking have it together, instead it's all falling apart. i don't keep up with the checkbook anymore, i pay bills late, i don't shower as often as i should or take care of my skin, i just don't fucking care.

what is this, my 4th entry today?

and get some shit done, you LAZY ASS! I AM A FUCKING LAZY ASS. No wonder I can't lose weight or take care of ANYTHING!

Oh GOD WHEN WILL THIS END?! WHEN WILL I GET OVER THIS SHIT?!